14 9 / 2014

Except it wasn’t a dream…

This past week has been pretty stressful, with the move to a new country, getting everything figured out with classes, and just in general finding people to talk to. I’m surrounded by brand new people that don’t really know me, and it definitely does just get exhausting having to constantly make such a huge effort to have even a simple conversation with people.

Of course it doesn’t exactly help that the Engineer isn’t interested in talking to me so much at the moment (If I’m being frank and complaining a bit, his/my friends from the frat have talked to me more this week than he has). If Thursday night doesn’t get classified as meltdown status, I don’t even know what does. I’m frustrated with suddenly going from sleeping together and talking to each other every day to talking less than a couple times a week. I wanted to give him the ultimatum of either not being so stubborn and talking more and acting like we really didn’t just waste 6 months of being together or just calling it quits now and not have the option of getting back together after I get home from studying abroad, but it looks as though I’m not quite that strong-willed.

I think I was just lonely last night….and pretty fucking drunk on top of it… and things just sort of happened. It honestly wasn’t even that exciting, just nice I suppose to be able to cuddle with someone after such a stressful week. Of course it wasn’t without my usual dumb drunk decisions… I woke up this morning realizing he had a bright green mohawk and was definitely not the regular type of guy I generally go for. 

Mr Mohawk was sweet and everything, but I think just given my current situation, I’m glad things didn’t really go too far. He left this morning around 8 or 9 and I felt a little bad turning him down when he asked for my number. Just not really there yet I guess….. If I got anything out of it though, it would absolutely be the nice realization that the dickhead frat stereotype is so not that big of a thing here, and I’m infinitely glad for that.

Aaaaand now I’m sick. Of course. Classes start tomorrow and I’m kind of hoping to just get my focus on that and some school societies and not spend too much time overthinking any of this.

(Source: Spotify)

14 9 / 2014

11 9 / 2014

I can’t fucking do this.

10 9 / 2014



"Consensual sex" is just sex. To say that implies that there is such a thing as "non consensual sex", which there isn’t. That’s rape. That is what it needs to be called. There is only sex or rape. Do not teach people that rape is just another type of sex. They are two very separate events. You wouldn’t say "breathing swimming" and "non breathing swimming", you say swimming and drowning.

This is a very good point.

(via alllofmeee)

10 9 / 2014

I just want a kiss or hug or something and all I have is my not-so-very-comfy bed.
Like seriously the only thing in life I want to do right now is to have cuddle time with the Engineer and it’s only been like 2 weeks since I left.

08 9 / 2014

The Engineer and I kind of agreed (more like I was told and couldn’t really do much about it) that we would take a break for the semester while Im away, and its starting to become a very real thing now. Yesterday I was upset about not getting very many responses to my messages to him and when I would get something it would be like a Facebook thumbs up or something, and he told me he was expecting to not talk so much and that he needed some space.

I was pretty upset about it since I completely don’t understand his way of thinking about this whole situation at all, and I had started a really moody post earlier today that I didn’t finish and saved to finish later tonight, but now I think I’ve honestly just fallen in love with the University here and everything just cheered me up.

My flatmate and I ran into a group of people just sort of chilling on the steps to our apartment building and we ended up talking to them for quite a while. And holy shit. The things we ended up discussing was absolutely amazing. We somehow ended up on a conversation about feminism and sexual assault and it occurred to me that people actually give two shits about it here and that’s probably the most amazing thing I’ve heard since I got here. Even the opinions from the guys in the group were the most supportive of women’s rights that I’ve ever come across and its the best breath of fresh air from listening to frat boys’ sexist bullshit all the time. 

I don’t even know how to explain how nice it is to finally realize that there’s a place in the world where my opinions about my safety and my rights to my own person are actually a decent thought, not just the struggling minority.

But yeah. Completely changed the feeling of the day and I think I’ll be able to sleep easy tonight.

30 8 / 2014

Anonymous said: 30 How often do you masturbate

A little late to the game bro, but that’s ‘kay

Uh. Honestly whenever I actually have the time to sit down and I have the apartment to myself (which now that I think about it isn’t all that much) 

30 8 / 2014

Cause its been like 3 days and I already feel like shit.

The Engineer and I said our goodbyes Wednesday morning and I’m beginning to realize that this move is going to be a lot harder than I thought. I leave to study abroad on Thursday so in the meantime I’m trying to keep myself occupied and not think about anything too much.

I’ve kinda been a mess the last couple of days, and it doesn’t help that I can’t tell whether the Engineer just doesn’t want to talk much right now or if he’s just busy. On top of that my parents and sister are at home with me pretty much chastising me anytime I show any kind of emotion.

I’m hoping that once I’m abroad I’ll be too busy to really feel much about anything, ‘cause right now its a struggle. I suppose I should have been prepared for this since I knew it was coming, but Jesus, no one ever tells you how hard it is to go from seeing someone everyday to not seeing them or talking to them for four mother fucking months. I can’t even sleep well at this point without having someone (a specific someone, really, I guess) in the bed with me. 

All I want to do is talk to him and see his face, but the more I do, the more I get the feeling that maybe he’s using this as time to move on. It scares the shit out of me that there might not really be a chance for us to come back to things when I get back next semester, but then again maybe I’m just emotional and jumping the gun on some things.

In any case, I feel all-around shitty, and its hard to enjoy my interim time here at home before next week because of all this. 

19 8 / 2014

19 8 / 2014